Friday, March 30, 2012

Teater, Drama, Kehidupan Bukan Lakonan / Pementasan di Pentas Dunia.

Assalamualaikum dan salam sejahtera...

Selepas seminggu aku kena jaga Panggung Seni utk Pekan Teater UKM 2012, aku nak tulis satu entry tentang teater. Berkait dgn kehidupan kita... Hidup bukan satu pementasan drama... walaupun ia seolah2 drama yg dilakonkan oleh setiap kita dgn watak masing2... Drama adalah adaptasi dari kehidupan manusia. Tp ia tetap lakonan, bukan realiti... most of it is fantasy... seolah2 sebuah cerita kehidupan yg boleh diedit dan ditukar2 jalan ceritanya mengikut fiksyen... Wayang semata2...

In real life, boleh ke kita tukar kisah hidup kita? NO, becoz kite bukan pengarah... kite cume watak dan karakter yg memainkan peranan diri kita masing2... takdir bukan ditangan kita walaupun nasib kita, cuma kite yg boleh ubah... bergantung kpd usaha diri kita... Cube tgk setiap yg berlakon tu... mereka cume memainkan watak je, diluar teater, mereka adalah org yg lain drpd yg dilakonkan tu, betul x?

So, sebenarnya hidup kite mmg penuh drama... (nak2 yg mcm kite rase tntg life kite sendiri) mcm mane aku ase life aku pnuh drama... semua org pun rasa mcm tu kan... tp drama mmg jadi di sekeliling kite setiap hari... kite x kan dpt knal seseorg tu sepenuhnya rapat mcm mane pun kita dgn die... kan? Its like, ko x boleh nk nmpk org lain mcm mane ko nmpk diri kau... even kdg2, diri kita sendiri pun kite x berapa nk kenal... sebuah pencarian, that is what our life are like...

Org sekeliling kite sendiri pun, penuh drama... x semua kite boleh percaya, x semua kita boleh harapkan... semua ade je cover mask masing2... erm, no honesty la disitu... kdg2, org yg x disangka2 tu yg tikam kita dari belakang... so, thats what the life are for those yg put trust but been betrayed.

Cuma percayalah, drama bukan realiti, walaupun ia adaptasi kehidupan kita, realiti bukan lah drama yg boleh kite ubah pelakon dan jalan ceritanya sesuka hati kita... dan kite x kan boleh jadi watak lain or org lain yg bukan diri kita sendiri... kite, x boleh jadi seseorg yg lain. We can just simply be ourself. Thats all. And lead our own life the way we are supposed to. Destiny are not us to change, or to decide, but, our life decision, and our fate next, are us to decide where we what to lead our life, which way, and how... kite lah yg melakar dan mencorakkan kehidupan kite, bukan org lain, cume, ingat... kita sbgai manusia cuma merancang, tapi segalanya... Allah S.W.T yg tentukan... kesudahannya... no one will ever know...

Satu cerita dari pekan teater ukm 2012 ni yg betul2 buat aku berfikir dan hayati coz it is really meaningful wlpn ade yg ckp boring... ialah ARCA dari KTDI sbb its about the creation who forgot her creator... its about seorg pencipta arca yg menghidupkan arca tu... but he fell in love with his own creation... tp creation die tu x nak hidup terkurung... dia nak bebas... tgk dunia luar, kind of lupe diri sbb die ase terkongkong konon la dgn creator die... with rules and everything... then one day mase arca ni nk escape, pencipta die dpt tau...

Pencipta dia marah sgt and he destroyed arca tu sbb die ase sgt terluka hati dgn kata2 arca tu... in one minute. Eventhough the creator ase sgt sedih sbb arca die tu dah terhapus, tp die ttp stay still, unharmed except hurt inside. Sbb die terlalu syg creation die tu... yg die bg everything she ever wanted.

So, bygkan lah people, its not just about boneka or arca. Its also about us the human... betapa sometime ungrateful we are of Allah... we should obey ALLAH and respect the rules been made. Make ALLAH happy with us, not mad at what we did. ALLAH loves us soooo much. Gives us everything we need. Generously gives us to live and fulfill everything and grant us the best for us in our life even sometime we never know that. Or actually deep inside we know it, just hard to admit it. Bayangkan betapa kata2 kite setiap hari tu mcm mane... have we ever thought of ALLAH in our daily life, even for one minute??? selain waktu solat... seriously... have we??? have we miss ALLAH?... miss Rasulullah??? have we??? ask ourself that question once... I am sure we all will be staggered to answer... ALLAH kalau die nak ambik kite, nak tarik nyawa kite... kejap je... bile2 mase je... don't we ever forgot that... sebab mengingati mati, adalah sebab kenapa kite masih terus hidup dan bernafas dibumi ALLAH ni setiap hari...

Keadilan Dunia buat aku terfikir... manusia x pernah rasa puas dan cukup dgn ape yg mereka ada... sedangkan ALLAH tu Maha Adil dan bagi ape yg kite perlukan sbb DIA terlalu cintakan kita... SUBHANALLAH... so teater dari kuo ni mmg buat aku termenung jap... thats all I can share peeps... yg lain tu maybe not worth sharing 4 so now.. until the next entry...

My last word is... drama is the spices of your life, not the whole point it is about =) 

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Feel like a total jerk and selfish... :-(

Assalamualaikum and 
salam sejahtera everyone...

dalam hidup kita x pernah sunyi dari diuji, x pernah sunyi dari rase down, hopeless, useless... and sometime... kite akan rase... we are total ass or useless or total jerk... a douche bag... ok more like it... whatever...

harini aku rase camtu, basically sbb kawan2 aku yg telah siapkan surat utk aku and aku tggal sign je... so sgt ase cam dah susahkan diorg sedangkan diorg pun ade benda lain gak nk handle... regret jgk la sbb explosive sgt skrg ni... ermmmm … ^_^”... tq so much tau korg due org...

so, psl feskab... dah ade org ganti... its ok since that is for the best... and I think everything else ok la kot... musim2 gini mmg dah terbiase everything jadi sgt annoying but still, the concern is there and aku pun dah fhm... so x jadi issue la kan...

lastly, td lepas je break fasting session, my abah called... tp kejap jelah then aku kol balik... borak punya borak la... even x tau nk ckp pasal ape sgt kan... but, I could tell he miss me and I do miss him too... well, that will not been totally true coz I have been so selfish lately... with everyone I guess? Erm x tau lah... maybe itu ape yg aku rase je or maybe part of it was true...

when was the last time I call abah? I can't even remember... how bad right? Kalau smpai x egt tu aku ase lama jgk tu... well, thats the selfish I was talking to you about... I was thinking of me and don't even realise these things... I mean, I do think about him, tp kdg2 nak call tu asyik lupe la, tgguh la... x sempat la... xde masa la... dulu I used to criticise iklan pasal ni coz I thought x logik kot bile kata xde masa utk parents sendiri... now I am one of them... which I dun wanna be like them at all... I wanna be with my abah whenever he needs me... but somehow somewhat, sometime I failed to do that...

and arini after 10 days aku x call abah... *finally egt sbb tgk diary... * and bercadang nak call... rupanya abah yg call aku dulu... selepas borak2... aku pun tanya... ada ape td abah? (mane la tau kot2 ade benda penting ke kan) pastu abah just cakap... “xdelah saje telipon, dah lame x telipon” serius, sentap... rase mcm baru bgun tdo dgr ayat abah tu... ermmmm … ni lah first time mmg aku drag lama gile x call abah... kalau x dlm seminggu tu mesti ade... and dlm sebok2 uruskan byk benda... aku dah abaikan tggungjwb yg satu ni... sedih... :(

yg lain2 pun xde balik, erm kalau ade balik pun bkn nk g dok jmpe abah pun kan... wth la kan... mls ambik tau dah sal diorg...

semoga lps ni aku x lupe lg... and semoga lps ni aku x sesengal ni lg la kan... semoga lps ni sebarang tanggungjawab boleh aku laksanakan dgn baik...amin... ya rabbal alamin...


the song i dedicated for my abah... :)

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Trouble Is A Friend ... Stress out sgt2!!!

Assalamualaikum and hye uolls...
exactly, entry aku harini pasal problem...

I mean everyone ade problem masing2 right?
I guess today is just another bad day that occur
just, dah lama since aku betul2 distracted and bad mood
yg bebetul down... crushed sgt2...
truthfully aku just ase down
penat, letih and stress dgn semua bende sekeliling aku ni

macam terlalu byk sgt yg aku nk kena uruskan
walhal aku ase mcm xde la full sgt pun...
just penuh dgn kehulu kehilir
isi borang and buat surat...
it seems like so easy, but I am so tired...

kdg2 tu penat sbb ade perjumpaan
tp mcm xde pape sgt pun lebih kpda hang out je
kalau aku keep bz... aku leh je steady,
tp bile everything tu mcm saje nak
dibuat sambil lewa, aku jadi cam...
WHATEVER LA KAN...

and kalau mcm keje berkumpulan tu...
x boleh ke kalau duduk sama2 and buat sama2?
Baru boleh buat dgn baik drpd wat individually kan...
and jgn la hrp and depend kat sorg je utk buat semua...

truthfully aku sgt penat
and aku payah nak berhenti fikir skrg...
even dlm mimpi and tido pun aku still nmpk berfikir lg...
stress kot... byk bende nak kena handle and organise....

okeh, ABADI...
enjoy buat keje but sometime x nmpk sistematik kitorg ramai2 tu
so nak bebetul dedicate pun cam sadis sket la...
hope leh improve g la pasni...
PTU and Singapore
masih bz dgn everything going on...
kdg2 bende tu x complicated tp sgja di complicated kan...
study ok just aku risau tertinggal and sdg catch up
so far it is fine... really want that DL!!! amin...

yg aku risau pasal financial...
yuran cmne beb? Erm =_=”
PTPTN – huh, berhenti berharap... x caye jppel dah...
KPTM – If lucky, second year...
YAYASAN NEGERI – sem 3 kot... since all thay need of me is my husband name... baru boleh luluskan.... (x lahir n9 or parents xde kat n9 x leh mohon)

and now aku juz leh rely on p.zakat ukm and yg pgetua pggil tu je... sedih gile aku rase kot... I mean, aku x kan mintak kat belah ub... never kat diorg... I rather be starve or dead... seriously...
yep, memang aku ego tanak mintak tolong diorg... tp aku ade sebab kukuh kan...? at least they give me one... or gave me enough reason not to do so... well, aku kalau boleh tanak susahkan abah aku kan... ase cam nak mintak duit kat die pun berat je,...

the last one but never the least... I am sure sume org yg sdg lalui fasa mcm aku akan rasa semua ni.. I mean, those who are future wed... ok,here's the thing. Aku jenis ssh beralah... but with him, aku sgt senang mengalah dlm everything and most of the time aku akan setuju je dgn die... UNLESS benda tu mmg x boleh agree langsung... and however, today aku cam trap in this thinking prhase... am I doing such a lot of tolerence already? I mean, aku tau both of us did... its just arini aku mcm “ok,u know what, i've done enough toleration with things” that TOLERATE word isn't just the plain word you say without action anyway...

aku jadi mcm ni because terlalu byk perubahan disana sini dan secara jujur, serius, AKU PENAT... ok, dari segi tarikh berubah … fine, aku tolerate, masa berubah, fine aku tolerate, LAGI SEKALI... but benda ni bukan boleh ambik ringan and pndg sebelah mata... serious aku x leh nak handle bende ni sorg2... byk bnda nk kena buat and it is as if mase tu byk sgt je lg...

our big day is just another 3 months and half... and lots of things need to be done before that... a lot of preparation... sume org tgh concern about this... and so do we, people... its just that we need to organise it very well... well, wedding don't just happened in ur life right? Its not everyday... it is once in your life,.. time... ever... my point is, me and my family tolerate psal bnda2 ni and aku fhm, family die pun... cuma dlm menguruskan bnda ni x boleh la nak beratkan and nk pk kan sebelah pihak je... it is obviously not fair... mmg dua2 sacrifice a lot, its just we need to be more stronger and understanding with both parties here... hopefully everything will be well after this...

aku kesian dgn family aku, I really love them, even they are not the one who raise me... before, but they are the one who raise me now... at least raise my strength to be strong enough now... so aku sendiri rase ralat and terkilan.. x pernah dibenarkan balik sana... but now aku balik dgn kemahuan sendiri, becoz that is my family and I am proud of it... and now when I am getting married, all of sudden aku cam rely on them,. Yes mmg tggjwb diorg but aku tanak la susahkan diorg... at least aku nk buat sama2... not just lepas tgn and just dtg je masa wedding tu tanpa buat ape2.. but that exactly what will happen, so mmg la aku rase uneasy..

aku balik sana, bukan hanya sebab nak mintak restu utk our wedding, eventhough that is one of the reason... but not the huge or main reason... my main reason is aku nak tebus balik masa2 yg aku terlepas dgn family aku dulu... 20 years is a long time... so, I wanna be there 4 them in times of they need me, as much as they have been 4 me all of this years... I really miss them right now... so much...

so people, sebelum aku teary eye disini... eloklah aku undur diri dulu, nk buat revision sket and aku nak release jap stress... maybe just listen to some kind of music whatsoever... goodnight everyone,... wassalam... tq 4 reading... :)