words are spinning in my head, dunno why i'm holding back...

Assalamualaikum and salam sejahtera...

Pouring my heart out on 3.50 am... soooo me! I can't stop these tears... I am soooo upset right now... really2 upset and I dunno what can I do to release it... so I wrote it as a way to let it out. Do you know the song entitled “key to my heart” by Jessica Jarrell.??? its a OST for The Back Up Plan... the one when J.Lo gets pregnant with a twin n fall in love with a farmer or the cheese maker * I can rephrase that... Anyway that song really describe my heart right now... Its just the way of me getting that feels out... ok for those who still don't know the song, here's the lyrics...

“boy you put me on the spot, I dunno what to say, but i'm trying anyway...

like my heart's gonna drop, my mind drift away, and I can't control the pain...

words are spinning in my head, dunno why i'm holding back...

I should juz tell you how i'm feeling..

but I dun wanna act a fool, dun wanna looked confuse,

if I let u know, about the way I feel, dunno what u gonna do...

so I keep it lock inside, and I imagine u were mine,

and i'm feeling u so close but yet so far...

you hold the key to my heart....

the more I brush it off, tell myself there's nothing at all,

deeper I fall...

and I imagine everyday, in thousands different way,

how u respond to what I say...

am I getting lost in my dreams? Are u unreachable to me?

Coz this butterflies just wont go away...

but if I never tell u then u'll never know,

and this secret is getting heavy to hold...

this is more than just a crushed...

so I may statter when I speak, and my knees will get a little weak,

but i've got nothing to lose and only u to gain...

tell me do u feel the same???”

then all the chorus repeat activity...

I dont like to hold it all inside... coz I have seen what it did to me before... I dun even know why should I be so upset... but I really am! I should not be mad or feel annoyed... but I did feel that right now! Really, seriously... :( I just dunno how to say it or to express it... I just don't... I wish it could settle just like that. Or blow in the thin air... so I wont feel this pain anymore...

everything doing just ok with everything else... but this? DISASTER! This is not what I am supposed to feel... but, yes, I am just a normal human... I can't help feeling offended and sensitive about some stuff... right? Sometimes our rational tell us different things and our heart are the opposite... I tried to be supportive...i really did... but somehow... in some times and moment...i just can't! I can't think of the relevant and sincere in what i'm doing...

feels like I am lost in a whole and I can't get out of it... its about priority... and I am not gonna lie, I am so dissapointed... truly are! from the bottom of my heart, deep inside... I seriously felt dissapointed... its hard to expain it in words, but,... I am hurt enough :(

but how do I??? 

Positive energy are flowing =)

Assalamualaikum and hye :)

Today is a good day... such a beautiful day actually. And I am saying this coz I woke up really early for the presentation I had in class this morning. And it was AWESOME!!! -except I have to wear all black as I am the devil! Eheh! *why do I like to make that exclamation nowadays? Such a mystery... anyway... back to the story,.. and everything went good...

As a normal human, we need to come to sense where we have to realise we need help... seriously! I knew I need help so I seek for one and find someone who can help me... after the session of it, I feel really relax, calm down, and sooo much better than before. Feeling quit good actually. And maybe this happened because I, myself also have been acting and behaving positively recently.

Its good to know that we have our own strength that make us wake and stand up from the weakness inside our self... deep down we are who we think we are... not who they want us to be =)

There are some ways that I have been suggested and actually I have thought about that once... I think I will go for it and follow the flow... and I think, everything will be fine after that... Insya Allah... tawakal and redha... =) just wish for the best. Amin.

And these 2 days, I kept thinking and remembering about him... omaigad! I miss him sooo much and it feels so good to got the text like I had this morning... =) tqsm for making me feel good <3 and...happy... now its left to many things more to be taken care of … right... *breathing for a while... 

Mak, Mek, Ibu, Mama, Mak :)

Assalamualaikum dan salam sejahtera...

sana sini org duk sibuk... Hari Ibu2...

aku teringat last year aku ade buat entry pasal hari ibu ni... as a dedication la kan...

However, tahun ni aku dpt tau sbnrnya HARAM celebrate Mother's Day... sure, mmg meraikan seorg ibu yg telah melahirkan kita tu x salah... cuma tarikhnya sahaja yg x kena...

rupanya hari ibu bg agama lain membawa maksud tuhan diorg and whatsoever...panjang sejarahnya and utk further information, sila google :) hehehe *wikipedia sudah...

true, boleh je nk bg hadiah kt ibu kite bile2 mase kan...x semestinya on hari ibu je kite nak appreciate mak kite... right? So why on specific date only? Sbb everyday can be mother's day...

show ur love to ur mother is not limited to special day only... :)

cerita pasal ibu... mak, mama, mummy, umi, mek,  and ape je korg pggil insan yg melahirkan korg aku pun nak citer pasal ni jgk...

As usual...

even sekarang keadaan aku kritikal sket on UB side... it doesn't stop me from remembering my late ma... even sekarang it doesn't hurt like it use to be... but it still hurts a lot when my dad says “*erm bia cite tergantung... she has done great job raising me... tanak cite coz sume bende dah lps and she is no longer here... biarlah tersimpan dalam hati sahaja kan...

Ya Allah, cucurilah rahmat keatas arwah 

Pn Hajah Rubyah Binti Hj Baharuddin

tempatkanlah dia bersama orang2 yg beriman dan yg Kau redhai... AMIN...

well,

move on to the next one...

my mek... Pn Hasnah Binti Samat

she is such a lovely person, kind hearted, 
and I am so proud of her

having her as a mother is such a bless...

I mean, die jenis yg x kesah dan x berkira dgn anak2..die sggup korbankan ape je utk anak2 die and die sgt pentingkan anak2 die dari diri die sendiri.

To tell the truth die mmg bg priority kt org lain and anak2 die banding utk diri die...

itu yg buat aku sgt kagum dgn insan yg melahirkan aku ni... sejak bulan 7 tahun lepas, aku akhirnya kembali ke pangkuan die setelah lama terpisah... 19 tahun to be exact...ketibaan aku disambut tangis sayu dan pilu serta gembira nya...

sungguh, aku terharu! Air mata menitis memikirkan...

itulah pelukan yg aku rindu selama ini...

itulah suara yg jadi igauan aku setiap masa...

pelukan itu yg buat aku lena sepanjang malam...

demi tuhan, kasih syg seorg ibu,... insan yg aku pggil mek, sungguh agung dan tidak ternilai...

walau aku bukan dijaga oleh beliau...

tetapi itu tidak menghalang beliau menyayangi dan mencintai anak nya ini...tiap suapan, sentuhan, pelukan dan titis kasih sygnya tidak ade tukar ganti bg ku...

dan pengorbanannya utkku sejak aku pulang memang jelas terlihat dan terpancar...dimata nya, aku adalah permata yg harus ditatang bagai myk yg penuh...

kini, beliau sibuk membantu dan menguruskan hal pernikahan dan perkahwinanku tidak lama lagi...

alangkah bangganya dirinya memikirkan anak gadisnya bakal menyandang gelaran baru tidak lama lagi...

*meme yo tok baco aku dok tulih gapo dale blog ko... dale fb ko... tp aku tok leh nok bayar gapo2 yo pernah wi ko aku... aku tok leh lagi nok balas jaso yo kat aku selamo ni... meme aku tok nafi ke, aku jupo yo pun baghu2 ni jah... tapi dale hati aku yo tetap tok leh diganti denge sapo2...* 
(ternganga x?) Anyway, sorry my kelantanese is quit shaggy sbb dah lama x guna kan... hehehe... 


so, mek mmg buat aku kagum sgt dgn die... she is my idol, as a good mum... kdg2 die akan membebel, sampai rase nak suruh die berhenti... hahaha tapi, once die berhenti mesti rindu nk dgr die bebel balik... sbb kami adik beradik semua tau, die bebel utk kebaikan kami...

aku cuma kesal... waktu hidupnya susah dan senang di waktu dulu, aku tiada disisi, tiada disampingnya melalui hari2 bahagia dan derita bersama2... itulah dia ibuku, yg sudah susah payah melahirkan aku dan kembarku Zahid pada 30 november 1991... 21 tahun yg lalu... aku sgt menyayanginya...

Ya Allah, semoga aku sempat membalas segala jasa baik ibuku yg sudah membawa aku ke dunia, yg dengan berat hatinya melepaskan aku kepada org lain demi kebajikanku supaya terjaga dan terpelihara dengan baik... sesungguhnya aku tidak pernah menyalahkan dirinya atas apa jua yg berlaku serta takdir dan suratan perjalanan hidup aku. Bagiku semua ini adalah takdir Allah S.W.T yg harus aku terima dgn pasrah dan redha...

Ya Allah semoga impian beliau dapat aku penuhi dan aku kabulkan dengan kemampuan ku... semoga terbalas jasa2 ibuku utkku,... semoga dia terus disisiku menemaniku dalam menghadapi hari2 yg penuh liku selepas ini...

Ya Allah,... panjangkanlah usia ibuku, berikanlah kesihatan buat dirinya... berikanlah kesejahteraan utknya... permudahkanlah segala urusannya, murahkan rezekinya, dan semoga dia dibawah lindungan MU... AMIN YA RABBAL ALAMIN :''-) *tetibe touching! Rindu mek saya... and rindu masa2 cabut uban beliau sambil borak2 kt tangga... hahaha

yg seterusnya utk ibu, yg aku yakin telah terluka hatinya,maaf sgt2 sebab buat ibu and ayah kecewa...tapi na cuma buat ape yg na tau terbaik utk hidup na... terima kasih atas segalanya...

ampun dan maaf...

buat mama yg jauh dimata... maaf, dari dulu memang na rapat sgt dgn mama...

na tau mama harap na akan terus ade dgn mama... na janji... na xkan lupakan mama... kat mana pun na berada... mama tetap dlm ingatan... mama dah mcm mama na sendiri... dan na xkan lupakan mama dgn adik wlpn lps ni kite dah jauh sikit... maaf, na x dpt penuhi harapan mama yg dulu... takdir Allah itu tidak dapat kita duga... tp ketahuilah... na dah cuba utk lakukan yg terbaik utk mama sekeluarga... cuma, bukan itu takdir Nya...

Yang terakhir dalam penulisan ini tetapi yg sgt istimewa, seseorg yg saya aggp seperti ibu saya sendiri...dan bakal saya panggil dgn panggilan MAK tidak lama lagi... Pn Patimah Binti Aman... mak cik, terima kasih sbb kasih syg mak cik sbgai ibu telah menyentuh hati ini... dgn kemesraan dan penerimaan mak cik atas kehadiran saya dalam keluarga mak cik... dan turut menyebelahi saya ketika keadaan genting seketika tempoh hari... terima kasih byk2... terima kasih atas restu mak cik utk saya dan acu... dan walaupun kita baru sahaja mesra, tapi kita tidak kekok berbual...saya pasti dan saya yakin mak cik memang seorg ibu yg terbaik dan saya juga tau, mak cik adalah idola dan org yg sentiasa bertahta di hati acu... :) semoga hubungan kita mesra dan erat sampai bila2 sebagai mak dan anak... AMIN =)

dan pada semua diluar sana... hargailah ibu anda yg telah melahirkan anda dan membesarkan anda... kerana tanpa mereka siapalah anda yg berdiri megah kini... tanpa seorg ibu, tiadalah insan yg memimpin dan membangunkan sesuatu era dan tamadun kini... sesungguhnya jasa ibu sungguh luar biasa... kasih syg nya tak terhingga dan tak ternilai utk kita... kasih syg mereka tanpa batasan dan x mengira apa jua... they have love you...unconditionally....

~sorry post kali ni xde gambar2 sgt...~ eheh!

About this feelings...

Assalamualaikum w.b.t and good day...

its not about the countdown anymore...

its not about the days that passing very quickly...

its not about how long we have been strolling life together...

its about whats gonna happen next...

its about upcoming days...

its about the future we will lead on, very soon together...

After the engagement, we haven't meet each other... until today... yes, its awkward... I'll say that... both of us not really looking face to face when we are talking and all...

We met just for a while, he drop by UKM to deliver these wedding invitation card to me... and then we talk for a while about this matter in his car... he left about 10 minutes later,... it is a very quick conversation between us. And I do understand that when we are engaged, this is how it is supposed to be like...

However, I can't help feeling a bit sad and upset inside... I am so tense I don't need anything else except him by my side even it is just for few hours... I really miss him. I do. But, that is not the matter, I just can't face all of this alone... I am so thankfull I'm going back to my home tomorrow night. Seriously... I can't bear all of this crucial pain alone and deal with this problem by myself... I need a support. And these are the times that will show me who is my real friends and who is not,.. the time that will show who is close to me and be there whenever I need them too, and who is not. Who are my real supporters and who are my enemy... in silence...

We suppose to meet up last Sunday, and it is cancelled when I am already at bus stand... and today I thought we could meet up longer, sit somewhere and discuss, or maybe talk about something else to make the happy thoughts remains... but it did not happen... so I was upset,... I think I still am... I told myself not to be so dependent and spoil... but, I just can't simply let go the hurt and upset I felt in my heart. Its like, everything is just too heavy to hold on now...

I just felt hurt until I can't say a word that don't involve that sadness along... I hope everything will be cure as soon as I were back at Kelantan... since I know perfectly it will... but when I am abck again at UKM... that will haunt me again...

one thing that make it is all worth it... one fact, which is... whatever it is... he is the one I will end up together with soon... AMIN... 

Astrid-Tentang Rasa 


Aku tersesat
Menuju hatimu
Beri aku jalan yang indah
Izinkan ku lepas penatku
‘tuk sejenak lelap di bahumu


Dapatkah selamanya kita bersama
Menyatukan perasaan kau dan aku
Semoga cinta kita kekal abadi
Sesampainya akhir nanti selamanya

Tentang cinta yang datang perlahan

Membuatku takut kehilangan

Ku titipkan cahaya terang

Tak padam di dera goda dan masa

Dapatkah selamanya kita bersama

Menyatukan perasaan kau dan aku

Semoga cinta kita kekal abadi

Sesampainya akhir nanti selamanya

Those are the test we have to face... the interview, the circle, the talk...

Assalamualaikum w.b.t and good day...

yesterday I got a called from ibu... she told me what are happening there at UB... everything is in mess up... they attack my dad last week... just like I fear they would. They ask him why he hasn't tell them about me... (when he obviously don't even know the dates) and they all have known it all... so, they were so mad... and in times like this, I know they can only see my mistake, my fault, not theirs... and it pissed me off and stress me out real bad.

I mean, they are blaming my dad, that is what I can't stand of. Like I've said before... it is me, mad at me, hate me, throw me out, whatever you want. Do it... but not to my dad... not to him... he has nothing to do with this at all... why they have to be so mean to my dad??? why? Its like giving 2 choices to me... or actually a conclusion... as in, if I am happy, my dad will be suffer...

I am an OUTSIDER... yes, I AM... I am not asshamed to admit that. I am not their blood and flesh... I am no one... yes that is all TRUE... but, what about my dad??? he is part of the family... he is their uncle, brother in law, for goodness sake... don't they got that?

They accuse him not to educate me well, control me well, and whatsoever... who are them? What do they know about me and my dad? They never live the same house with us... they barely come and visit... they just come once... and that is to come drop by... I can count how many times have they did that...

Support me??? they never support my decision... whatever it is... my interest??? they never understand... I don't think they know me... they don't even know me that well to speak about me... to make decision about me and my life... and also... they don't have any right to question my decision in life, aren't they?

They said, after the wedding, I am not to step my feet there anymore... and not to admit I was part of the family. I do accept that. But, my dad? Who will heal his wound? I don't want him troubled by this matter... if it just about me, I won't get this upset... ever... I will be like, whatever u guys wanna think, I don't give a damn hell care at all... but, this thing have to do with my dad... and when it involved my dad, I can't just simply shut up and let it go as in the blink of eye... I CAN'T...

They wanna see me, or to be exact, us... to ask the details, every single question every single things... they gonna do what they did when I was in Form 4... but I think this is even bigger than it used to be before... seriously,... so, maybe after the mid sem break we will face them all... answer everything they ask us,.. whatsoever... and we have to be prepare for it... I know they will twist every single word we said... but, we have to be brave and stay strong...

I don't know how I will manage that. But, he will be there too... I thought, two is better than one... right? So, I hope with his presence there everything will be fine... its gonna be ok... once we pass this phase... its gonna be over... we gonna start over and everything will be just fine and normal as it supposed to be... I surely do hope so... especially to my dad...

Now that there is nothing else we can do, or wanna do, we just have to face whatever that coming together... cause this is the beginning of everything from now on till the future,... our life is getting more and more challenging and we thought we honor those challenges...

Whatever happens next, we know and sure for one thing, nothing would make us change our mind about this anymore... NOTHING

Pressure Of Everything *holding on and not to give up

Assalamualaikum dan salam sejahtera...

PRESSURE

tu lah yg aku rasa sekarang... y? Aku rasa sgt PENAT dgn everything and so on... nak2 pulak ibu and Ain called byk kali since semalam... dan aku xtau ape yg diorg nk sampaikan... nak agkt call pun aku cam x boleyh and aku sendiri xtau kenapa... Mungkin ade lah hal kat sana lagi tu yg berbangkit melibatkan aku... well, considering lately... what is not??? kan? Cuma, aku x mampu nak angkat and dengar diorg ckp yg aku wat kesilapan paling besar dalam hidup aku... aku TAK NAK DENGAR ayat tu disebut SEKALI LAGI... x nak....

THE SIGN

30 Mac aritu aku dok ralit dengan tarikh PTU 2012 tp aku terfikir, 3 bulan dari tarikh tu ape akan jadi... aku terfikir akan tanggungjawab dan amanah baru yg akan aku galas... mampukah aku? Aku berdoa aku mampu... semoga aku menjadi seseorg yg lebih baik selepas itu nanti... AMIN... then, suddenly something jadi... aku dpt tau one of my friend yg dekat dgn aku... sebaya aku... and she's married... about a year ago... tp still boleh handle life die, study die... hopefully aku pun boleh balance mcm tu... AMIN & itu menunjukkan bukan aku seorg je buat keputusan mcm ni, ade lagi selain aku... jadi hati tu makin lama jadi makin teguh dan kuat...

ACU SAIF

I haven't seen him a while... (2 weeks to be exact) and we are supposed to settle few things tonite... but we have to cancelled it last minute time... I think that is when I have had enough and cried few hours until I fell asleep... its just that with everything going on lately... the pressure and all... I really need him to tell me that everything is fine, its going to be ok... I will trust him even that was a lie... I really do. So, obviously I am not in a good mood right now to do anything at all..

Pernahkah kau bermimpi seketika berada di tempat ku?

Kuteruskan hidup, hari demi hari pun berlalu...

seksa dan derita ku tanggung sendiri...

apa yg tggal hanyalah doaku pada Mu tuhan...

pasrahku hanya KAMU yg menentukan... 

Tahniah kepada para pemenang and for those yg lain, u guys still the best!!!

Assalamualaikum... and salam sejahtera...

Guys, adat bertanding ada yg kalah menang,... normal la tu... and for today's highlight is your life is up and down, x boleyh la selalu nak menang and duduk kat atas... sometimes, you have to face the failure... be at the bottom... coz life is like a wheel... ia sentiasa berpusing. Its a karma... u got what u deserved. Depend on your effort in what you did...right? Setimpal... fair... that is Allah S.W.T promise. You got the result according to your effort. SUBHANALLAH :)

Pekan Teater UKM 2012 dah pun berakhir, after this Festival Seni pulak menyusul... aku masih terfikir nak join atau x. Kesian pulak dgn Bung sbb kami dah rapat dgn dia... I will consider la jgk kan since aku sgt bz with ABADI 2012 lak lpas ni.. Harini jgk ade beberapa perkataan yg aku nk highlight kan... TANGGUNGJAWAB... AMANAH...

aku rase lately walaupun aku bertugas utk keduanya PTU 2012 & ABADI 2012 tp seolah2 aku sgt selfish. I dont like what happened to me being so selfish... aku menggalas tanggungjawab itu sebagai satu amanah... somewhow somewhat, walau dah all out, aku masih rasa aku belum bg yg terbaik, belum menjalankan tanggungjawab tu sepenuhnya dgn baik lagi... So far, aku tggal nk compile fail PTU 2012 je lg... hope setteled before balik Kelate Khamis mggu ni... AMIN...

Amanah seterusnya ialah ABADI 2012 yg harus aku beri komitmen terlebih dahulu berbanding yg lain... and study aku jugak yg agak terbalik lately... maybe coz aku yg x dpt manage masa tu dgn baik kan... esok aku ade kuiz, mlm ni still tulis blog lg... aishhh... =_=” … hopefully naik mid-sem nanti aku lebih organise dan x terkejar2... AMIN...

Give your best ZARINA... ingat your aim... D.L ~AMIN~ tu semua amanah...

Anyway, tahniah pada kolej2 yg menang and so on... yg x berjaya, you guys still the best, masih ada masa lg... aku hepi gak la sbb ARCA dari KTDI menang several award...since I love that theatre... and utk Kolej Aminuddin Baki tercinta... serta crew2... Good Job you guys!!! I am so proud of all of you... dah jauh kita step out sejak Malam Seni Berputik dulu... *teary eye :''-)

So, see you guys at ICAF ke nanti... INSYA ALLAH =)