Congrats all my dear friends, Barakallah!

Assalamualaikum and salam sejahtera… J

Well, harini aku nk ucapkan congratulations sbnrnya kpd shbt2 yg baru je mendirikan rumah tannga dan bakal melangkah ke alam rumah tangga pada tahun ni… *and akhir thun lps jgk la.

For last year, salah sorg yg paling rapat dgn aku or terus terangnya seseorg yg pernah berada paling dekat dlm hati aku ni telah pun membina mahligai bahagia bersama pasangannya nun jauh di bumi borneo sana. Syukur alhamdulilah cerita bahagia beliau terus kedengaran dan aku harapkan kekal hingga ke syurga. Selamat berbahagia dan tahniah kawan… kami disini sentiasa mendoakan yg terbaik utkmu. Amin.  

For last year jgk utk one of the besties, classmate, Farra Nur and her hubby… congrats and may you both last till Jannah and cepat2 dpt baby okeh! We all wish both of you the very best luck… J

X lupa jgk utk member sekelas, Pn Nurul Nadia Abu Bakar dgn psgn beliau W.M.E … Tahniah dan semoga kekal bahagia hgga ke Jannah serta dikurniakan zuriat yg solleh dan sollehah… Amin. Kami seluruh warga TESL sekalian mendoakan yg baik2 utk kamu berdua. J

Ok, utk this year dgr2 khabarnye ramai lg yg akan membina masjid. *Ececeh. Sori kpd sesiapa yg aku lupa nk mention sbb so far yg aku tau just Diela and Asyraf… Nurul and Nasuha,… 

if ade lagi jgn lupe inform2 teman yek! Hehe… so congrats everyone and I wish all the best for my friends and may you all have all the happiness in the whole world till Jannah and never have to face all the unpleasant acquaintance ever. Amin… J till the next entry… 

"Next station, please mind your steps.."

Assalamualaikum dan salam sejahtera…

It’s the new semester everyone!

Anyway, had a blast a month of semester break… even though if you ask me I would say that it was more than enough. My hols is quit bored to be honest. I didn’t go for work as there were time constraints *ok alasan… boleh sgt kalau nk keje beberapa hari sbnrnya tp malas sgt2 kan… its just going back home time… spend time with your family and stayed home. Ok jalan2 pun as in g pantai jelah which I have to say, maybe… I spent too much time at the beach…

First it was Pantai Sri 7 Kelantan Darul Naim with my family *having fun eating, picnic, searching for ousters and stuffs (which I didn’t join due to my useless skills in that field…hehe) *so I just spent time with my niece and nephews drowning ourselves in the sea, playing on the beach… huhuhu #being childish for one last time… and then Teluk Kemang Port Dickson Negeri 9 with my friends #being even more childish... the weather was extremely hot but we had a fun day eating, cooking and the night of sleepover and stuffs *considering this is the last time we all go there as a “MISS”. Hahaha.  

So, I had this sun tan #as Dr N had said once she met me after the break. It was funny though, she rarely sees me but she is the only one who notices. Hahaha. It was definitely an important break for my life for now considering soooooo many things is happening in a very fast speed.

So, I took a rest and go to Istana Budaya to watch a theatre called “Bidasari” #it was a hell of process for getting the tickets for both of us, me and my syg… but then, it was really worth it. It worth all the pain in the ass and troubles for the tickets #let me skip the part of going back and forth to kl Sentral and mv by train and so on. Its tiring.  It was a great night.

The new semester was really fun. Our classes were good and I can’t believe that we are in week 3 now. Our subjects were fun.. I took 7 courses this semester which there is 2 literature class. So you know why it excite me the most. Coz I just loooves literature class. Our lecturers were fun… and I also fix my lc by this sem. So everything should be good. I have a good mood and feelings for this semester btw. *targeting to reach the dean list this semester and will work my ass for it no matter what. Hahaha semangat sgt!

Everything is going well,… syukur alhamdulilah… *ceh mentang2 sekarang hati dah mula pandai belajar rindu and berdetak hebat… #eh! Haha xde kena mgena. Whatever it is aku bersyukur dgn kegembiraan yg aku rasa dlm hidup aku skrg sbb aku tau aku berhak utk gembira dan menentukan jalan hidup aku sendiri.

One last thing, aku sememangnya travel dgn ktm. Kemestian, keharusan, kewajipan setiap kali nk keluar or balik etc. last semester break, aku balik n9 by ktm. Its amazing bila pndg keluar tgkp nmpk permandangan and you see your life flash in your eyes… your past… to be exact, my past, undeniable everytime I passed there it stills haunts the past. But then I heard one announcement made, “next station, please mind your steps” so I know I have to move on to the next station in my life too, and this time, be very careful with each steps I took.  The end. Hahaha c u guys in the next entry. 

Ada ke org yg suka dipaksa dan diperbandingkan? *annoyed

Assalamualaikum and salam sejahtera.

Lately n byk plk aku rase nak menulis. X cukup dgn diary, blog plk jd mgsa aku merepek pnjg2. Mungkin sbb byk sgt bnda yg x terluahkan kot. Tersimpan di sudut hati terdalam. Nk cerita pun aku x rasa ade sesiapa yg akan fhm. Korg pernah x rase cemburu tersgt2 dgn seseorg? Maksud aku cemburu yg x la membawa kpd dengki. Aku dh pernah tulis dua tu berbeza ertinya.

Cemburu adalah perasaan mengharapkan kita ada sesuatu yg org lain ade. Or mungkin jgk cemburu dgn org yg kita syg. X nak die dirampas sesiapa etc. dengki plk bermaksud terlalu mencemburui seseorg sehingga ke tahap obsess dan sggup ,melakukan sesuatu. Ambik tindakan diluar para sedar la kononnya.

Anyway, aku x rse dlm dunia ni ade org yg suka ditekan2, dipaksa2 dan digesa2. Anyhow, mgkin itu jgk adlah ap yg aku selalu rase. Nur Zarina Binti Mohamad suka buat sesuatu tu mengikut hati die, ikut cara die sendiri. Dia x suka diarah2, dipaksa2 ikut apa yg org lain suruh. Well, it depends. Kalau yg baik tu maybe la she will reconsider kan…  

For the record aku ni jgk jenis org yg comfortable of being me. Cara aku. Siapa aku. Aku dh selesa dgn apa yg aku ad. The way I handle things. Aku ni jenis belagak bagus sikit and aku tau aku mmg jnis kdg2 terlalu bgga diri. Tp dgn diri sendiri jelah. Rasa aku dah cukup bagus. Rasa dah tau serba serbi. Tp somehow, disaat ini aku rasa mcm aku adalah manusia paling bodoh sekali sbb x tau apa2 lgsg.

Aku paling x suka kena banding2 ni. Kepantangan aku dri dulu. Sbb ni jgklah salah satu alas an kenapa aku melarikan diri drpd family ub dlu. Sbb setiap bnda itu ade fixed way yg aku x boleh nak follow.

Sekarang aku sedar knpa selama ni aku selesa hidup seorg diri je. Because that’s who I am. Mungkin aku lebih sesuai dgn cara ni kot. Drpd aku memalukan sesiapa dgn ketidakpandaian aku ni.

Rasa mcm nak lari je drpd semua org. take my own space. Pergi ketempat yg sorg pn x kenal aku. Vacation from the real life. Yes, that is how I’m gonna call it.

Yesterday was a disaster. I am not sure why on earth I behave like that. Maybe aku dh x tahan sgt kot. Yelah dah lama sgt than prsaan mrh and kecewa ni. So, aku mcm blow up la kjp smlm. I mean aku mmg dh stress kena tekan and paksa, pastu nk buat aku serabut lg. mmg sah2 la aku blow up. Aku kan jenis rebel  sikit. Tp fikir balik smpai bila? Smpai bila aku nak rebel mcm ni? Enjoy2 konon carik happiness yg x kemana jgk. Being immature about everytg. Pemarah. Panas baran. Someday, one day, it will eventually have to stop. Someone has to put a full stop to it. And I know who will that be.

Berhari2 x dgr khabar atas tuntutan kerja adalah kebiasaan bagi aku, Cuma mungkin dlm masa2 dan situasi stress mcm ni rindu tu jd melampaui batas plk skjp kan.

Smlm jgk dgr mereka2 sebut nama org tu dulu. In a sentence, “kalaulah dia masih ada…” I was shocked. Upset. Mad. Tired. Terribly sad. Hiba. Sebak. Semua ada. 

Dan aku rasa semalam lah hari aku menangis dgn sgt bersungguh selepas sekian lama. Teringat itu biasa. Rasa itu sudah tidak wujud lg and lgsg tiada. Cuma ia seperti persoalan. Adakah ia sepenuhnya salah aku? Adakah aku tidak cukup berusaha menyelamatkan keadaan? Mgpa masih aku yg dipersalahkan?

Aku minx ke semua ni jadi? Tidak kan? Kalau blh aku lg nak undur masa perbetulkan semua benda. Bermula drpd keputusan pertama kali dulu tu lg. biar xde lgkh yg salah. Thanks dekat kau. Thanks sgt sbb buat aku mcm ni. Xpe, dunia tu berputar. X selamanya kita diatas atau dibawah. Aku sentiasa doa yg terbaik utk kau, dulu. Tp kini aku cuma berharap aku terus tenang tanpa kau dan kau pula, terus bahagia atas semua yg kau dah lakukan.

Cuma,sekarang ni aku rasa mcm lagu Sudirman, Terasing. Walaupun ditempat sendiri. Sampai bila? Kalaulah aku ada jwpnnya. 

Felt trapped and not belonging.

Assalamualaikum dan salam sejahtera…

Ada org kata jgn jadi pengkhianat bangsa dgn mengagungkan bahasa luar. But today, who cares. Ada beza antara dengki dan cemburu. Ada beza juga sabar dan juga ujian yg lebih drpd kemampuan.

When you felt so annoyed and needs to be out from an environment that felts like it could kill you… what would u do. Stay or run? Even, let say if it was when you were with those who you call family. Your own family even? Ok, this is just the saying. I mean sometimes we always felt the un belonging. Or at least that’s how I do all the time. Anywhere. The feelings of you not being good enough. All the time. 

Sometimes it was your own siblings. Sometimes it was your own mum. But then, it feels they could not get you. Impossible to understands you. I think nobody really understands me for that fact. The connection just wasn’t there. Even after you tried few times.

I don’t even know why, lately I felt do trapped. With everything. As if my life have been decided for me. Taken away from me so quickly. Lost in the world of the unknown. Rasa lemas. Rimas.

X tau lah apa yg aku rasa x kena lagi skrg ni. Kinda hope all be over soon. Pain. Hurt. Sakit. Seriously. What is in the hell was wrong with me?

Being Brave And Dare Myself Again To Risk

Assalamualaikum 

and hye everyone,

Hari2 sbelumnya sebenarnya 

hati tertanya2 dgn perasaan sendiri.

Mungkin aku masih rasa sakit itu lagi.

Ketakutan itu lagi.

Terluka itu sangat sakit.

Kekecewaan itu sendiri bisa 

membunuh kebahagiaan hati.

Aku jadi tidak berani melangkah.

Was-was apa yg ada 

dihadapan mata sendiri.

Walaupun cinta itu 

tidak terungkap, x terkata.

Meski tidak mencari, 

tidak menjangka 

aku bertemunya,

Dia adalah hadiah dan 

kurniaan terindah tika ini.

Dan aku mahu ia kekal begitu

 hingga ke akhirnya.

Tapi mungkin itu yg aku takutkan,

Takut apa yg terjadi bkn 

seperti pengharapan.

Mendalamnya apa yg aku rasakan,

Aku jadi takut utk meneruskan 

mahupun menanti mahupun 

melangkah kehadapan.

Namun aku berterima kasih 

dia memberikan aku kepercayaan

 dan keyakinan semula.

Membuat aku yakin dgn dirinya, 

dgn hatinya, dgn rasa cinta 

yg diberikan olehnya.

SNT, sy x mencari awak, 

sy x berharap menemui sesiapa,

Lebih2 lagi secepat ini. 

Sbnrnya sy lg berhrp 

tidak menemui sesiapa.

Namun takdir mmg x terduga,

 bkn ditangan kita.

X sgka awk akan hadir dlm hidup sy.

Memberi erti dan nafas baru.

Awak buat sy rasa bahagia.

Terima kasih byk utk itu.

Selepas byk bercerita tntg awk,

Dgn mata yg dikatakan 
oleh mereka 
penuh bercahaya,

dgn keyakinan yg terserlah,

saya tau, y nk terus dgn awk…

selamanya.

Ingat janji kita?

I never thought I’m gonna say this again.

But SNT, I love you. I do.

You make me realise 

a lot of things I never see before.

Thanks a lot for everything.

And,...I miss you.

More than annoyed for not-mine works.

Assalamualaikum and good day all…

*even though it CLEARLY WASN’T A GOOD DAY FOR ME

In a way I am not complaining,

It’s just that I really hate to do somebody’s job…

Ok, it was a work that’ll help me learn, but still.

I was feeling heavy about the great flow after 5 months of nothing,

Then, I was actually in pain and not in a very good health

And in the last week of semester we were revealed our carry marks.

Yes, it helps u targeting for finals.

But, seriously it bothers you.

Confidence is nothing without the outcome.

Doing double, triple work which is not yours…

Seriously annoying!

Oh, f the s. seriously.

When u are in pain, not in good mood, 
its not fun to be pressure on. 
especially by fussy puss.
you feel like slapping someone. seriously.

The Poem For Someone Again...After A Long Time.

You made me smile

You made me 

think of you every second

You made me drift away 

from the real world

You made me 

stand up on my own

You made me the 

happiest in a day

You made me cry for 

the right reason

You made me feel touched

You made me 

felt appreciated

You made me realize 

it’s a real world out there

You made me stumble 

from missing you

You made me live the dream 

when I am still awake

You made me trust, believe, 

and risk again

You made me dare to try again

And lastly, 

you made me fall 

for someone again.

Thank you for that :)